It will cut anything, within reason

Yeah, like your fingers. If it doesn't have a sliding carriage and a guard, it's not a meat slicer. Except by accident.

This is more like what I was looking for, but it's $280 shipped, from Germany. The motorized ones are also aluminum, and cost a third of that. That's what annoys me: you're paying more to get less. It's like in my own line of business, where you can get bacitracin/polymixin eye ointment for $9.47, or plain bacitracin for $84.95.

My parents have one that was made in the USA (I don't recall the company name, but they were in "Industrial Airport, Kansas", which I think is an awesome town name, but whatever) that the blade needs replacement, and the company either doesn't make them anymore, or doesn't exist anymore.

(Sure, you can spend six grand and get something like a Berkel, but I'm not a restaurant.)